i'm Ok now

Alhamdulillah berkat Ramadhan...dah feeling better sekarang..last post agak sedih sbb ada beberapa unexpected news..so post kali ni agak panjang..dah bole nak tulis dah..

Actually 29/6(D12) hari tu buat Hsg utk kali ke 2 di Hospital Tawakkal dgn Dr Fatimah..this time adik je teman..en husb outstation ke Kedah..so far so good..everything going smoothly walaupun hari tu pakai baju yg disediakan tu terbalik..haha nasib nurse comel kat situ tegur suh betulkan...huhuh

the procedures semua ok..tak sakit..and even tak sedar pun bila dah siap..ingat Dr tengah check2 je..mmg doa byk2 je masa baring tu moga semua ok..dah habis procedures tu tnya Dr how, so far dia kata 2-2 tube ok dan dia suh laydown another 30 minit & snap post picture then lepas tu baru bole salin baju dan tunggu amik report...masa tu hati dah berbunga dah bersyukur..at least tube ok kan..so masa amik x-ray result tu tak laa baca report yg dia bagi..terus je bayar & balik..cost RM180 yer..

on 2/7(D15), dgn bersemangatnya bawa report HSG jumpa Dr Adila..then Dr tengok laa x-ray dan report tu..Dr pun explain the result..rupanyaaa ada unexpected news :((..Dr said that the flow of cecair/dye yg dimasukkan for both tube is ok except on right ovary still have some unreleased liquid..(mcm bertakung)..maybe ada yg melekat kat situ & halang cacair tu release properly..walaupun Dr kata its ok tapi air mata ni dah start bergenang...mana tak sedih sbb sebab masa buat Hsg kali pertama in 2009...alhamdulillah that time both tube was ok..

Dr pun agak terkejut dgn result yg baru ni sebenarnya..so dia pun selak fail baca segala history² operation masa 2010 dulu....nak dijadikan cerita rupanya Dr dulu ada buat biopsy kat ovary kanan..biopsy tu mcm amik sedikit daging ovary kanan utk buat test..tapi dalam fail tu tak mention utk test apa & apa result biopsy tu...Allahuakbar...masa dengar tu dah gugur jantung..sbb kami tak diberitahu pun tentang biopsy tu...yang kami tahu Dr buat laporascopy thru minor operation je..then Dr Adila mention lagi..maybe yg melekat kat ovary kanan dan yg menghalang cacair tu release properly  tu is a piece of daging ovary yg diambil masa biopsy tu..Allahhh..tak tercakap apa dah masa tu..Allah jer tahu apa perasaan masa tu...en husb speechless..Dr pun speacless..

 to break the silent..Dr suh baring utk check perkembangan saiz ovum lagi..masa baring tunggu Dr, air mata dah burst dah..Dr tengok je..huhu malu je kat Dr kan..dah tak bole nak tahan sedih..bila Dr scan plak..tengok saiz telur tak growth..sama mcm dulu 10-12mm jer..bertambah laa sedih...

then we sit & discuss for the next plan...Dr suh datang utk next cycle..pastu bole plak ckp dgn Dr.."Dr sy tak tahu bile next cycle sy Dr..period sy kan tak ok.." Dr pun senyum je..so next cycle dia prescribe duphaston to get period & dia suh makan clomid on D2..

inshaAllah after raya nanti kami jumpa Dr Adila lagi & continue our treatment with lower dose clomid..she is trying to avoid from any hyperstimulation on my body as Dr said i'm a high risk person to get OHSS after knowing that I have the highest AMH level among other's patients..so she need to be extra careful when dealing with my body... Ohhh btw my AMH level is 132pmol..where the max is 100pmol..so consider I'm break the record laa kan..that's why Dr is so worried about me..as she said that she never seen any others patient with high level of AMH like mine..if Dr worried ...i'm much more worried Dr..:((..

Alhamdulillah..Alhamdulillah...Ramadhan is here..to cure my sadness..i feel calm now..

I know, Allah knows what is the best for me..He love me..He gave me so many things..I should be more grateful..

and now He gave me Ramadhan as a big GIFT for me and to make me happy...
I keep remind myself to enjoy with His gift & utilize my precious time during this Ramadhan..

May Allah accept our fasting..our ibadah & all ours prayers..

Thank you Allah...Thank you Allah...

tears drop

TTC dan air mata...
Bagai tak dapat dipisahkan...
Gagal untuk tidak menagis lagi...
Setelah kian lama bertahan...
Ia gugur..mengalir dari dalam hati ke pipi..

Allah sedang menguji...
Peringatan utk diri..
Mujur ada suami penyejuk hati..
Bersyukurlah duhai diri..

Ingat, 
Allah rindu mendengarkan..
Rintihanmu berpanjangan..
Bersyukurlahh dan tabahlah menghadapi...

cycle 3 & jeles

Alhamdulillah..

unexpected..cik P datang pada CD36 on 2nd cycle...natural flow without any medicine..mcm pelik je tiba2..takde tanda2 nak period pun....kira ok laa..syukur sgt even x berjaya lagi..lagi pun masa cycle yang lepas, tak bersungguh sgt ttc..tak pergi pun jumpa Dr..incik husb kata suh cuba naturally..maybe dia pun penat kot nak pi KL..dgn duit minyak lagi..tol lagi..dan yg penting duit utk treatment..dia selalu ckp kesian kat wife dia ni..asyik dok makan ubat itu ini..then ada plak kena side effect dgn ubat laaa..kita plak kesian kat dia..

InsyaAllah akan terus berusaha dan berusaha...chiyok!!!

nota kaki or nota hati??

# Baru dapat tahu makcik sebelah suami getting pregnant anak ke 3...aduhh..jeles

# My biras pun pregnant anak ke 5...aduhhh jeles lagi..now anak dia yg ke 4 di jaga oleh ibunya di Terengganu where diorg dok rompin bersama 3 anak yg lain..dalam hati ckp, kenapa laa diaorg tak bagi aku je jaga..kalau yg ke 5 ni pun dia nak hantar terengganu, nnti nak cuba tanya dia laa boleh tak bagi kita yg jaga.. btw this year diaorg will celebrate 5 yrs aniv with 5 kids... mudahkan rezeki dia ..ermm..kita gak yg susah..susah hati..mcm mana laa nak balik kg PIL, nak jumpe dia or sedara mara..dlm hati dok berkata , dia dah 5, ko ape ada...aduh..buang jauh² semua negative thought tu... ohh luckly, alhamdulillah tu semua dalam hati saja, syukur gak byk sbb so far makcik² pun takde yg tanya mcm² sangat a.k.a kepochi..they all semua nampak very supportive..alhamdulillah..tp dalam hati diorg tak tahu laa kan..harap diaorg doa yg terbaik untuk kita kan..

# My abang's wife, kakak ipar laa kan..also pregnant for 2nd baby..aduhh..jeles lagi dan lagi..

# and last but not least..my only lovely sister will get a baby next month insyaAllah..(tolong doakan adik saya yer..dia ada sakit tulang belakang, and can't imagine how she carried a baby in her tummy with the back pain..tolong doakan moga Allah mudahkan dia bersalin nanti)

see guys..most of my closed famili semua dah pregnant balik..

mana tak nya..for the past 7 years..masa baru kawin, anak² buah sebelah suami ada 2 orang je..and now dah 14 orang..dah laa kitaorang anak yg kedua berkahwin..the years after baru abang, kakak n adik dia kawin..incik husb langkah bendul kakak & abang dia..dan sekarang dari 6 adik beradik..hanya tinggal sorang je belum kahwin...thats why my PIL bole dapat 14 cucu..

on my side plakk..daripada mak takde cucu, now dah masuk 4..ohh i'm the first getting married in my family..follow by my 2 bro & sista..tinggal 2 org je lg yg masih study..alhamdulillah laaa..

can u imagine my situations?..ermm..I donno how i feel & how i face those situations last time when all my close famili informed their good news..jeles memang jeles..tapi alhamdulillah dah biasa+dah boleh terima berita² ni dengan gembira dan seadanya..(tapi dlm hati tiada siapa yang tahu..korang sure faham kan...huhuhu :(( )

OK..Lets pray hard for us, all TTCian and pray the good things for everyone beside us too..try to be happy always ('',)

Doctor

 Salam semua..

lama tak menulis kat blog ni..buka blog hari2..tulis nya tidak..takde cerita menarik laa ni..dah lama nya tak jumpa Dr..dah sebulan..tu yg takde cerita sgt..btw dok baca-baca blog Dr Adila jumpa this sentence wrote by her..honestly wrote by a Doctor..

" That's the hard part in some Drs, admitting their limitations. Drs should KNOW WHEN TO REFER to other colleagues (for the benefit of our patients, please) or WHEN TO CALL FOR ASSISTANCE and not just 'borong' semua kes and get suboptimal results. It doesn't mean that we are incapable or incompetent. The best chance/result is always during/from the first surgery, subsequent surgeries would always be more challenging/difficult. Also, we must always remember and have FAITH in Him.

tu laa yg dok fikir2..Doctor is just a medium utk kita berusaha..yg lainnya ditentukan oleh ALLAH..have FAITH in Him

no doubt

even baru 2 orang yg comment kat blog ni..but i feel like "Alhamdulillah..thanks Allah..there still have a people who understand my situations" ..it hard for me to explains to others (who didn't in the same boat)..even our close families or close friends pun susah nak faham...mcm mana nak faham..diorg tak mengalami & term2 kita ckp pun diaorang tak faham..so cannot blame diorang laa kan..at least diorag concern dgn kita..suh je laa diorg doakan kita..

now i realize the important of having support group from ttc peoples..they understand us well (hopefully)..and they give us courage..they share knowledge & experiences..know when we are happy..(cth mcm bila nampak egg white sure happy kan ;).paham2 je laa kan..in case sape2 ada PCOS like mine, bila AF dtg pun happy kan...walaupun sebenarnya agak sedih sbb tak berjaya lagi..tp masa2 ni laa akan ada ttc friends yg support kan..syukur sgt dapat kenal dgn diorg.sbb mereka2 ni laa yg faham kita..seriously rasa nk nangis baca comment/support dari yannie bunny and sweet tooth..u guys give me hope & make me smile semula ;)..

so buat setakat ni, i have no doubt to have this ttc blog and will continue to write here insyaAllah..actually mula2 feel like mcm "aku ni cerita mcm2 personal information on my ttc problems to public takpe ker"..rasa mcm tak ok jer cerita ni semua..but then fikir balik..i do this for my personal record..this is so-called my ttc diary..nnti bole trace balik ape treatment dh buat.kalau dah tua bole tunjukkan kat anak2 usaha nak dapatkan mereka kan..dan maybe the infomation in this blog bole benefit to others as well..

if anyone feel uneasy or offended with my writing, am really sorry. maybe this blog is not suit for your reading..i do hope your prayers for successful of my ttc journey..

thanks for everything readers..